Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hide and Seek

The timeless childhood pasttime seems to have become the game of my soul. Hiding from the world . . . seeking myself.

Where have I been? Not online, mostly. And to be honest, I haven't even been all that productive. Hours have been spent swinging in my hammock, watching the sunset chase the clouds. Fighting back the depression of too much isolation and not enough satisfaction while wondering what, exactly, I want with my life.

So much, and so little.

Basically I want it all: every experience, every trip, every taste. But at the same time (and here's the paradox) I just want the simple life of a family at home farming together. The opposing desires have been fighting in my soul, leading to a discontent I could no longer bear. I withdrew.

I feel that I've grown in these months, and perhaps I have settled my heart a little. I've found joy and satisfaction in our garden which I know will be even greater when we're actually farming. Kenny and I have started playing tennis. I've taken my dogs to the park more often. Mostly, I've learned to listen to myself.

Yes, I want it all and maybe someday I'll get that (knowing my tenacity, I'm sure I will). But what I want most of all . . . what has become a burning, pulsing hunger . . . is to farm. I've lost (hopefully for good) the distractions that I so often get caught up in so now I can focus my energy on helping us to get that family dream.

Tammy says it well on her blog.

My soul relates to the picture: cloudy, with the sun trying to break through. In time, I know I will find my place.


Lance said...

Hi Bri,
It's good to be here today and read your words. I can relate. I want so much...and yet I also just want peacefulness in my heart more too. I want time to "be". And it can feel like competing teams at times. So good to read this today, my friend.

Listen to your heart. I really think you are...and farming is speaking from there. Bri, I believe very much in you, and want you to find a deep happiness within. Keep being "you"...

Stone Bridge Farm said...

It is good to see you, er..hear from you. I have missed ya! This post is good. Sounds poetic...but hits the nail on the head! You go get your dream girl! I'm still praying for you and your family!
Have a wonderful day!!! :0)

Tammy-Cricket said...

Hey Bri,

I think we might be a bit alike in that we like to get our hands dirty. I am a huge gardener. I don't live on a farm but I do live in Alabama. Ah...need I say more.

I am so happy to see you getting back outside. The post you mentioned, and thank you, and spun many private emails from bloggers letting me know they are also where we are.

I think it is time to step back look at what our hearts are telling us. I am stepping back to try to simplify my life. The problem...I have to give up some things that I love to get there. Blogging is one that I hope to keep. I have accepted that I might not get to keep all the "praise" I get for my words because I will not allow myself to float around the WWWeb searching for answers. Which in turn means my comments will be further and further between. I do have the answers and I need to accept that. You have the answers also. You have a family, a farm and a life right in front of you.

I am going nowhere but where I am...just at a slower pace. I will follow your journey with you. Ah...we can be slow together.

Get outside and enjoy the day.That is living.

Thank you again for the mention. Very sweet.

(Not wanting numbers on my other blog...but since you are a person that loves on my pictures on my blog (at the top) and I am currently doing a tour of my garden. ) My other passion is photography.

Trish said...

Love your site!!:) Thanks again for pushing me on getting my pics out there. I appreciate your showcasing them for me and also for setting up the Etsy site too!
Enjoy it all! Time goes so fast that before you know it, you'll be looking back and saying, 'wow! Where did the time go??'

Stone Bridge Farm said...

You have been nominated for the Honest Scrap Award!